13 January 2010

On the Importance of Staying in Touch

Let say, for a minute, you can see the future.

Y'know, just a hypothetical. You can just, like, totally close your eyes and see the future. Not, like, too far ahead or anything, but you can see like maybe when the bus is gonna come or somethin'. Maybe a little further, like the deli's gonna be outta pastrami tomorrow afternoon or what have you.

Then let's saying you're walking around, right? And you see this totally gorgeous chick, like drop-dead stunning, y'know, professional hair, high heels, great tits, whole package, yeah? And you close your eyes real quick, a-and you totally see yourself bangin' her. I mean not like, fantasy kind o' see, like you see the future and it is good, right?

Let's say, for a minute, you look like me.

Hypothetically, you're like, kind of a dumpy, balding, hairy, middle-aged guy, right? So you figure whoa, this is great, I'm gonna bang her? Fan-fucking-tastic, am I right?

So you get this, like, burst o' confidence. 'Cause it's a done deal, right? I mean, you've seen the future, so, y'know, you can't fail. And sure enough, she starts fallin' for it. Next thing you know, it's drinks, and she's laughing at jokes older than her, right? Jokes that'd get arrested for statutory if they ended up in her mouth, y'know? Okay, so she ain't that young, but I mean, least half my age.

Anyway, she's funny and smart on top of that package? You figure, hey, this is great times, y'know, and bam you close your eyes, and she's, I dunno, stealing your wallet. In the future, I mean, y'know, you're passed out from the throes of lovemaking, and she robbin' you.

But then you figure, hey, you can just lock up the wallet, right? Plus if she steals it, hey, you've paid for worse sex than you're about to get, so it's not even like a big loss.

Hypothetically speakin', of course.

So you get her in a cab, and you start headin' back to your place, already thinkin' of where to stash your goods, if you know what I mean, and you get there right? She goes to freshen up, and you lock up your wallet, watch, y'know what have you. She comes outta that bathroom, and I mean, the Virgin Mary never had tits this good. You got a goddamn naked supermodel pouncing on you, right? And she, basically, fucks your brains out. Sucks your cock like a shop vac, gets right down an' dirty with it. Tighter than a Chinese fingertrap, like they say. I mean, damn.

Damn.

And y'know, right when you're, you're about to blow the biggest fuckin' wad this side of John Holmes, closin' your eyes hard, and bam you see the future again.

Only this time, you see this chick with her ma. And her ma looks real familiar, right? It, y'know, kinda maybe looks like her ma is your sister. Y'know, the one you ain't see in, maybe, a decade. And used to have the cutest little girl.

I mean, that's just awkward, right?

So, I mean, all I'm sayin' is, y'know, maybe you should call home more often.

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